My dear,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I am somehow in a pattern of losing things and then just letting them go. It is good when it comes to things like socks and post-it notes (so much less rage), inconvenient when it comes to keys, a little embarrassing when it comes to underwear (yes, I did just find that my neighbour's grandson occasionally does grab them off the line, I like to think he's stitching them together for a parachute because lord knows I'd like to escape from her proximity also), but not so good with the nice and the lovely things and people.

never a goodbye, more like a haphazard amputation

to stretch the comparison far beyond intention, it only hurts afterward, or it's just the phantom twinge of absence.

lately i've been getting these twinges from various sources: making a cake that was the basis of our friendship, sitting on a sunny step smoking without you, a slightly different name coming up on my phone, listening to bands that you introduced me to, so close to calling you to come out with me before remembering you're far away. i can deal with this and to be honest i sneakily enjoy the little sad pangs and the odd mope.

but i didn't expect this in my sleep. for some reason this little outlet crept into a dream and i just wanted to pop back and say hi, give out quick hugs and then potter off again.

and just for the record:
same house, new housemate/s
same work, new ambivalences
tired, tired, tired of all the extroverts (snapped a bit today, "yes, I know you're not in this situation, that's why I was talking about me")
only time i recently regretted being single was having to go to a party by myself when it was cold and would involve evil brownies (rationalised that what i really would have settled for was a lab rat with a car)
my hair still doesn't take kindly to dye
am slightly better dressed than last year
still frightened by Sarah Jessica Parker
still get a bit flustered with more tactile forms of greeting (hug or kiss? cheek or lips? how many? i sometimes panic and just go for the headbutt)

three kisses on alternate cheeks and as much love as i can muster when i'm thinking about grilling haloumi for dinner,
j